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Some friends…

I’ve been in England over a month now, and in that month only two of my friends in Dubai have spoken to me. My best friend I speak to pretty much every day and she has been really great. Since my announcement message I sent to my closest friends explaining why I left and why I won’t be coming back. I know all of my friends saw it, and two of them sent me a message saying they hoped I was okay. But two of people I considered my closest friends didn’t reply and haven’t spoken to me since I left. And yes they are boys so really what should I expect. But these are boys who know everything that I have been through and one of them even visited me in hospital after my overdose. So I know they aren’t scared off that I am suicidal again. But still they haven’t said a word to me. Not even to see if I’m okay. This has made things worse, I feel so miserable about it, and it’s obvious they couldn’t give two shits about me or how I am. It’s like now I have left Dubai they don’t want to know me. Why does this always happen to me. Every group of friends I make ditches me at some point. My England friends; ditched me shortly after I left. My original Dubai friends from my original year; ditched me shortly after I got sick. And now the new friends I made in Dubai; now that I have left nearly all of them have ditched me. I guess I should be use to it by now, but it still hurts. Maybe I am better off alone. 

Miserable…again.

So miserable, I just want to go home. Sometimes I wish I had just suffered in silence then I would never have had to leave. I see all my friends out in Dubai having a great time and I just want to be there. Plus there is the fact that only 2 of my friends in Dubai are talking to me. Two of my closest friends in Dubai haven’t even contacted me to see if I’m alright, even with me sending out a mass message to all of my friends explaining why I left and why I’m not coming back. Still not a word. This has made me even more miserable. And I really want to talk to my school counsellor but she is really busy and hasn’t got back to me with a time that we can facetime. But she is the only person that understands. My psychiatric nurses that I see every day are alright but Jo is better and really understands. I know it’s not going to be a quick fix but I see these people every day and I feel no better. Everything is rubbish and I just want to go home. Everything seems so bleak, my future seems bleak. Even with the possibilty of sugery it still seems bleak. What if the surgery doesn’t help, then I am completely out of options. There is nothing more anyone can do for me and I don’t know what to do anymore. All I know is that I can’t live like this forever or for who knows how long, I just can’t.

Hope.

I saw the neurosurgeon up in London this week. He thinks surgery is now my best option. My only option. Says it helps 2/3 people with my condition so that is good odds. We are doing another MRI to rule out chari malformation as I fit quite a lot of the symptoms. And then if that is ruled out we will go ahead with nerve stimulation surgery. However I will need to get funding from my primary care trust which could take a while. And then if that is approved I go onto the waiting list which is 6 months long. On one hand I have been given some hope and feel a bit better for it. Yet on the other hand I feel miserable that this is my last and only option so if this doesn’t work I am fucked. So I don’t really know how to feel.

Honestly none of your friends try to talk to you at all? That would get lonely, your friends suck, you need new ones <3

Only one of them has the rest I have heard nothing from. I know

Staying in England

I’m not going back to Dubai. At least for 18 months they said it would take that long for me to be mentally well enough to return. I am distraught I want to go back so badly. As if I haven’t got enough going on right now none of my so called friends have even spoken to me since announcing I’m not going back. Which is making me even more miserable. Seeing a psychologist on Monday and taking things from there. I have psychiatric nurses come round to see me every day at the minute. And then I have my neurosurgeon appointment on Tuesday.

I've had migraines for seven years. I'm 22. :/

Sorry to hear you are suffering too. Headache conditions suck :(

Inpatient treatment.

Went to see my psychiatrist today for a repeat prescription instead of giving me a prescription he gave me a full bottle of clonazapam, he gave that to a suicidal person who has already tried to kill herself once before. I was so tempted to take the whole bottle, but then instead I drove to school and gave them to my school counselor who then gave them to my mum. And between us it was decided that I need to go back to England to get some inpatient treatment in hospital. So on Wednesday I am flying back to England and then will eventually be admitted to hospital not sure when or where yet though, waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist there. 

Fucking great.

Saw my school counselor today, which was okay. We made an agreement though that if I start feeling worse like I’m thinking about doing something then I have to tell her. Also talked about the possibility of me going somewhere to get inpatient treatment for my depression if it gets worse. That was all fine, and then I got a call from effectively my boss and told that I’m not allowed to come to work till I get a letter from my psychiatrist saying that I am fit to work and one from my doctor also saying my heart is fine. So that’s fucking great. Work was the one thing keeping me going and now I don’t have that at the minute. Feel so low and miserable.

Misery.

I feel an overwhelming sense of misery and helplessness. No one can help me, I am helpless. My new meds aren’t going to help and then other than the surgery which is possibly years away and not guaranteed to work I will be completely helpless and there is nothing more anyone can do for me. So I just have to live with the pain for possibly the rest of my life as there is little help that I will ever get better on my own. So why should I live? I just had a good cutting session, cut quite deep blood went absolutely everywhere it was beautiful and made me feel better for a brief period of time. Probably cut again later. I never want to stop. 

Reaching out.

I reached out to my school counselor because I am feeling so low and suicidal. She of course had the obligation to tell my mum. So I am on suicide watch and now my parents know and are worried. About me. I think about it a lot but I don’t actually have any plans to do anything, plus there is the threat of being shipped off back to England if I try anything again and I don’t want that. So I think I’m okay; well I’m not I’m suicidal but you know what I mean. Saw my psychiatrist in Dubai who put me back on antidepressants along with staying on my anti psychotics, also gave me clonazapam for my anxiety. Doubt any of it will help nothing ever does. Plus I don’t like my psychiatrist in Dubai he always wants to treat my headache and that’s not his job. I also feel that he doesn’t take me seriously enough, and I just genuinely think he is rubbish, much prefer my one in England but she is away and I needed to see/speak to someone about getting me put back on antidepressants asap, according to my GP and school counselor. So I had little choice, though I will be seeing my psychiatrist in England at the end of April, no doubt she won’t be happy with what my one here has put me on but oh well. 

Hang in there! I believe in you!

Thank you anon. 

Downhill.

Everything is going downhill again. I started cutting again, and I don’t want to stop. I had promised my sister that I wouldn’t do it again and I know I have broken that promise. But I just couldn’t keep it together any longer. Cutting makes me happy for a few brief moments. Don’t I deserve that? Been feeling very miserable and fed up with everything. My school counselor told me I had to tell my mum that I was cutting again, otherwise she would. My mum replied with ‘well if I ever think you are going to do something stupid again then you will be taken straight back to England and never allowed back here’. Bloody great. And I just wish that the end of April would hurry up because I want to see this neurosurgeon already and get some answers. And I’m miserable because after this there is nothing more they can do for me, if it doesn’t work and help my pain then I am stuck with this miserable excuse for a life for who knows how long, probably forever. People don’t get better from this on their own, so if I have run out of options does that mean I will never get better and will be stuck like this forever? 

Withdrawal.

Medication withdrawal is horrible. I came off of Gabapentin too quickly, knocking it back by 300mg a day for 12 days until I reached 0mg. In hindsight it was a bad idea, but I didn’t think it would affect me as nothing has ever before. But it did. I couldn’t sleep, I completely lost my appetite and I became rapidly more depressed very quickly. My neurologist has told me to go back onto Gabapentin, and I am seeing my GP tomorrow to discuss coming off of it. But I’m scared the same thing will happen again and I don’t want it to cause it was horrible. But I know I have to come off of it soon so I can go onto methysergide. My last medication to try before nerve stimulation surgery. Seeing the surgeon on the 30th of April, wish it would hurry up I have so many questions about it. 

Neurologist appointment.

Saw my neurologist today. We have come to the end of trying medications my last medication is called Methysergide and it’s a last resort. Trying it for 2 months i it hasn’t helped by then, then I have to come off of it. Is also the medication that has side effects of organ fibrosis I.E organ failure, if on it for longer than 6 months, so you have to do 6 months on then 1 month off and so on to prevent this from happening. If Methysergide doesn’t work then in June I am seeing the neurosurgeon that does the nerve stimulation surgery at the national hospital for neurology and neurosurgery in London. To see if I am a candidate for it. I should be as I have just ticked the final box of more than 10 acupuncture sessions with no effect. The only problem is that I smoke this kind of arabic tobacco called doukha, it gives you a buzz  it’s legal though, but when I am buzzed my head doesn’t hurt hence why I smoke it. But I am guessing when I see this neurosurgeon he will ask i I smoke and I wanr to be able to tell him the truth in that I don’t smoke, so I am quitting smoking, because I really need this surgery done if Methysergide doesn’t work. Quitting is going to be tough because I am quitting something that helps my pain, but it has to be done.  

Off to England tomorrow.

Off to England tomorrow to see my doctors. Seeing my pain psychologist and neurologist on Tuesday. No idea what my neurologist is going to want to do next. Probably change my medication because Gabapentin hasn’t been helping at all. Then seeing my psychiatrist and POTS professor on Wednesday, not looking forward to seeing my psychiatrist as she annoys me. She is very pushy when I don’t have an answer for something and that annoys me. Been told by my counselor that I have to tell her that she annoys me and why, but I don’t want to offend her or anything. Got a busy few days ahead travelling up to London each day to see all my doctors.